Settling the Family Estate Without a Family Feud

“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

— Albert Einstein

We grown children will not be able to control the exact experience we encounter when it comes to the passing of our parents. What we can control is how we handle it.

My father and mother had a wonderful plan for the time when my dad’s health began to fail.  They would move from the split-level that I remember most growing up in, to a single story house in our hometown, Pensacola.

As my dad always did, he had the move all worked out and organized. What I don’t think he thought about was downsizing their possessions.  This became clear several years later after we said goodbye to first my dad, and then a few years later, to mom.

My parents were the generation of china, crystal, silver, formal dining items, loads of paper and files.  All of the bounty once belonging to their parents, now was in their home. Added to that was a lifetime of possessions that they had acquired in their long marriage.

I remember my mom being perplexed, and a little bit miffed at her 7 daughters who did not all have homes with china cabinets, a desire for sterling silver and crystal, or a place to display them all. 

When the time came, after mom’s death, and the funeral, it then became the time for us to deal with the beautiful collection in mom’s estate.

Whether modest as our mother’s was, or of wealth, these possessions find their way to the next generation, us. Our brother Tom was to be the executor, and we looked to him to lead as we made our plans.

Because you really never can be prepared, I wanted to document how very proud I was of the way we all worked together as a family.

Even as soon as that funeral weekend we took advantage of the time together to initially go through their  home.

One of the sweet moments was sitting together, all 8 of us, and choosing from among mom’s small collection of jewelry and mementos. From oldest to youngest we made our choices. It was a sweet time, in which each of us encouraged each other to take what meant the most to us.  We continued to go around until all was gone.  For the rest of the estate, we knew we’d be dealing with much more in the weeks ahead. 

When it came time to sell their home, my sister Ann, my brother Tom, and I traveled back to join my sister Patty to handle all the details. It was amazing the size of the collection in the life of two people with 8 children.

One large construction dumpster, two charity trucks, and loads of boxes later, we sorted, tossed, and gave away, or designated for every child, all that was in mom’s home.

I remember a somewhat hilarious day when we tried over and over to arrange and rearrange a huge trailer load of furniture.  Tom would leave that day with a rocking and rolling trailer, at a snails pace, at peril to life and limb, all the way home to Orlando. 

My brother also took on the arduous job of cleaning out our dad’s office, which had been sitting untouched since his death.  Dad’s space contained all the journals, folders, accounts, and a safe full of a lifetime of documents important to him and our family.  Before Tom could dispose of anything, each item needed to have his eyes on it. I could see that it was a difficult, wonderful, a bit painful, and a cathartic journey down memory lane for our brother, handling one more time those important items that meant so much to dad, and now to Tom.

We got into a comfortable routine each morning, the three of us, all going to get coffee, eating a little something and and then jumping into the day, day after day, until it was all done.

Through the whole process of mom’s passing, the funeral, and the disposition of her estate,  I remember we were very careful with each others’ feelings. I believe in the back of our minds was the heartbreaking stories of families that struggle over warring opinions, possessions and dollars.  We didn’t voice this, but I believe we all had this concern on our hearts.  We wanted not just to survive it all, rather we wanted this to be a positive and lasting moment in our memory.

If you are still blessed to have your parents with you, may I offer you a few pieces of advice?

Please don’t leave the healing for another day.  Forgive now.  Let it all go. Be the one willing to meet your sisters, and brothers, or your parents, more than halfway to bridge any divides that might remain.

This chapter in your life as a family is so important. If your parents are willing, offer to help them go through and decide what, where, and to whom possessions will go, now or someday. 

As parents age, change the kinds of gifts you give.  Rather than possessions they don’t need,  plan experiences together, family photographs, or videos.  This will make each occasion more meaningful for everyone.

Some moms and dads are fiercely independent, so talk of moving, has to be their decision, unless of course their health or safety becomes a pressing issue. Remember, your turn is coming, so be kind and patient with them.

I’m learning to keep my own house in order, cleaned out, and free of too much clutter.

What a blessed relief to my daughters someday, and a lasting memory of harmony for them.

I pray that you will be blessed as you too take this important journey with the generation behind you, your parents, and the generation before you, your children.